Will you come to my funeral ?

My first thought was I want you there.

I want proof that you did see me, that you did hear me, that I did leave a mark, a trace, a faint something in your life, even if it is only a stubborn stain you wish you could get rid of.

My second thought was I don’t want you there. I can’t bear the picture of you all clad in black and appropriate sadness. I can’t stand the idea of causing you any discomfort. I can’t stomach the guilt ‘of being the source of fresh tears digging wrinkles in your face. I’d rather not matter than leave you in pain.

My third thought was I am full of it. Of course I want you sad. I want grief choking you wordless and the loss driving you mad. As devastated as humanly possible. As miserable as your stone heart makes me, every time you dismiss and ignore me.

My last thought was Who am I fooling. СмBecause when I die, we both know you won’t notice for days. You won’t miss me, as you don’t miss me now. And of course you won’t come. And yet, the only worry I’ll have, will be about who is going to be there for you in my place.

My funeral won’t matter. It won’t be worse than knowing I don’t matter now.